I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
