So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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