You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
