He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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