dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
