new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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