I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
