I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
