how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
