it wasn't lemon gatorade
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
