I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
