have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
