Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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