dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
