Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
