Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
