My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
