Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
