my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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