So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
