That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Drunk is a universal language darling
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
