on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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