Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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