So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
