hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
