Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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