Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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