um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
