it was like his penis was on wheels.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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