mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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