I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
