Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
