I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
