So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
