ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
