He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
