dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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