I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
