I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
