oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
