he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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