Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize