Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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