think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
