I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
