She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
