she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
