Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
