Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it was like eating out sand paper
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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