I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
