She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
