Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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