All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
