I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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