Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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