this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
