Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
