My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
