You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize