so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She needs sedatives and a leash
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
